Horrorphiles: The Worst Instagram Ever
Quick, what’s the scariest thing you can think of?
If you just half-thought of something vaguely about murder, mutilation or molestation then boy howdy do I have the Instgram account for you! If you didn’t think about molestation, then extra congratulations (seriously good for you, that’s more important than you think).
A few years ago I came upon a horror themed instagram named Horrorphiles. The account posts daily, short-form, scary stories that cater to both fans of horror and tasteless, poorly written narratives.
The stories are similar to Hemingway’s six word classic: For sale: baby shoes, never worn. Similar in the sense that The Catcher in the Rye and xXx: Return of Xander Cage - The Official Movie Novelization are similar. Yes, they’re both technically books but is it really fair to compare the two? Not a single copy of Catcher in the Rye comes with a coupon for a can of NOS energy drink. Point Cage.
Each day Horrorphiles ‘treats’ you to a new story which can usually be broken down into one of six categories: you’re not alone, you’re about to get killed, you’re missing a limb, you’re trapped somewhere, YOU’RE actually the killer or not scary but extremely disrespectful.
Here is a highly curated bit of spine-tingling terror but beware, as Horrorphiles’s bio says these stories are in fact, “Not for the Weak Minded”:
Could be about an evil demon, could be about a squirrel. There is literally no way of knowing.
Jesus lady, three goddamn weeks? Call someone already.
These are the scares that I enjoy, relatable ones. Like they could really happen, you know?
“Thanks Google Street View.”
Not sure how much evidence they have to back the idea there are a ‘finite number of human souls’ up but as commenter Dinnerdash6 said: “Checkmate atheist”
“Hey buddy, come here. Look at me, I’m very scary, you should be scared of me,” Closet Thing.
My wife’s period is a natural, monthly, human bodily function. At least that’s what I thought... until it ended my sentence.
"We paid for the fucking bed, we're going to fucking use it," Your Father screams, mid-stroke.
“Oh no! We just accidentally figured out another way to kill a vampire, now we’ll have nothing to test our makeup on.”
The next couple of Horrorphiles posts are about sexual assault. I feel it was important to include them because this type of post is very common on their IG. Sexual assault isn’t a horror story. It isn’t spooky or unsettling. These people treat a serious problem in society with all the reverie of a thirteen year old edgelord.
I’m highlighting the text for these posts if you want to skip past them.
The author was told to write a scary story and thought: I can’t think of nothing scarier than when you’ve got to tell your girl to get another abortion but her tears and nudity cause a “mix arousal and sympathy.”
If you can help us track this writer down to get him added to some kind of sex offender registry, I’d consider you a national hero.
No one is curling up Halloween night to watch Spotlight. It's a heartbreaking, emotional trauma, not a spooky story (unless a werewolf does it I guess).
...A great babysitter!!!
OKAY back to the less offensive stuff
You needed to remember that? “I tried to pick up my wife from work, then I remembered… I’ve never even been on a date.”
Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why I even brought the virus up, I mean it doesn’t really have to do with anything. Is gingivitis even technically a virus?
So this woman tore off your penis, ran fifty feet away and was so excited to eat it, she choked on it? My man, you've got to stop covering that thing in caramel.
“Hey guys, where’s Neil?”
Wow, what a ride? If you’re interested in reading more bone… cringing(?) stories then check out Horrorphiles on Instagram. If not, congratulations on passing a basic psychopath test.